Day 46 - I Actually Want to Change

Note - read the self forgiveness out loud

I have noticed in my journey to life blog and even back 6 years ago when I first learned about this process - there was a tendency to only want to change SOME things in my life

I really truly wanted to change my money situation, my relationships and I wanted to change the state of the world. I saw so many people - myself included - struggling all around and especially in these areas.

YET with this...

There was a deep pattern I wasn't even able to see early on

It was this tendency to not want to fully change.

Because full change requires me to give up my past personalities that I had identified with

I wasn't willing to go fully through the eye of the needle, let it go to see the essence of who I really am

And change comes with resistance and resistance feels uncomfortable

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not be willing to change my life

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to want to change certain aspects of my life, but not willing to look at other aspects, and thus actually keep my personality and mind in place because my mind would 'snap back' to the comfortable programming

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not realize that change requires changing my definitions of words - as I was programmed by the system with ineffective definitions of words, I must change my automation definition and thus the resonance of my words/vocabulary/programming to sustain the real creative ability I can have as a human otherwise I will define myself and sentence myself to my old sentences 

I forgive myself that I had not accepted and allowed myself to fully accept this point - that I DO want to genuinely change, and in this necessity to change I am willing to take on every last part of myself

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not realize there is a momentum to change, where as I start to face the deeper points within, and make progress, that as I do this I can either KEEP the momentum going, or I can allow myself to give in to the little moments, to fall, and then time loop. However - after having done this long enough, I have seen this lesson that... I don't need to time loop and drag myself in the mud. I can just realize the point, breathe and move through it and use the cross-reference of the group for support

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to want the world to change fully, but not be willing to myself be the change fully

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to want OTHERS to change fully, while not being willing to go all the way as myself

I realize that what I want to see in the world, I first have to give this to myself

I realize that AS I have taken on this process of change, there ARE changes I have seen. I have seen my ability to share help awaken others to take more responsibility, to re-educate themselves, to save their marriages, even to have kids. There is so much goodness that has already come from my change, and this is even with my ongoing process of perfecting myself where there is more to go. YET as I see this I also realize how much more phenomenal this will be as 1+1 we ripple out into the world grassroots with more and more people taking on this process

I realize that my old programming actually didn't make me happy or create an outcome that was worthy of life, it was always half-ass

I realize that I have committed myself to be teachable, willing to learn, willing to change, yet in the moments where its most intense I had fallen and then judged myself instead of picking myself up, utilizing self forgiveness, breathing and moving myself and utilizing the power of the community around me to support

I realize that I am WILLING to do absolute self change, willing to let go of my past, and to let the old fall away - letting anything that is not REAL to fall away. THEN in this change, to take full self responsibility and to direct every situation in my life and the consequences that come from it to direct each to what is best for all.

I realize that the absolute change is only valid and really only possible if its done within the context of what is best for all as the living principle, any other change will create a time loop and similar consequence because all the consequence has come from the desire for self interest fundamentally 

I realize there is a pain to change and this is the physical reality of having a body, being and mind and calibrating every last part of me to the principle of what is best for all as my starting point as an individual. So I welcome this and enjoy the process. 

I realize that suffering is not needed in order to learn - YET for many cycles of time this has been the way we have changed, so initially as I walk through the consequence there will be a sense of suffering yet I can educate myself and grow without needing it to be turmoil constantly. rather awareness and self forgiveness and self honesty can be my guide

I realize that others may not be ready to hear this but that is secondary to the fact that I must walk this for myself first and then as I figure this out I can hold the point of living as the example of absolute change

I commit myself to stand as absolute change

I commit myself to investigate my core personalities and programming accepted in the system and be willing to let it go to see what is the truth that remains, that is the integrity of what is best for all as a living principle here embodied within and as me, and as I do this I resonate this to the world

I commit myself to show that any remaining point of weakness I have WILL be tested and will eventually be brought to the surface so I welcome the change, I commit myself to systematically and sustainably walk this journey and to enjoy it because of WHO I AM proving myself to be and who I become

I commit myself to be the change I want to see in the world for myself, for the children to come and for the sake of humanity and our world. What we have been accepting and allowing is unsustainable until now. What I accept and allow is what will determine reality and I start with my self here in each breath

This is the most challenging YET most rewarding way of life and it is worth it.