Day 29 - Euphoria

 Today I was listening to some music and I had a serious flashback of euphoria and of going to festivals.

I was obsessed with chasing the 'high'. 

I used to be that guy who would get front row at the rave and dance like crazy as a way to let out my stress. 

I have also been obsessed with music since I was in first grade and learned how to download music via bearshare and limewire.. 

This obsession with music has been a core part of my programming. 

And I see its limiting and able to be redefined so that music, and the enjoyment of it, can be something HELPFUL for me as life instead of an enslavement trap where I become addicted to trying to feel that 'high' and obsess over the sound. 

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to confuse euphoria with a valid experience worthy in itself 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the justification of feeling really good as a worthwhile 'end' in itself, instead of as a common sense outflow of living my best life naturally creates a good feeling

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat positive emotions and euphoric experiences like getting a credit card, I get the experience, I max out my feelings and enjoyment, dopamine etc.. and then eventually the bill is due and I feel like shit trying to catch up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my feelings my god

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I place a 'positive emotional experience' as something I value, that this actually hinders my ability to enjoy each moment within breath and stability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within walking my journey to life, that I can't feel and enjoy positive emotions. Its not true that I can't feel that way. Its just they aren't my driver. They're an outflow

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the euphoric feeling in itself is not detrimental however the moment I hold to it and make it something more than it is, that is where my mind begins to mine my body for energy and create consequence

I realize that music can be supportive as a way to enjoy life, to share a fun experience, yet being within principle within it is what matters

I realize that going to concerts and dancing around trying to be carefree was a way for me to shirk my responsibilities 

I realize that I can make awesome music and enjoy the moment and not make it more than it needs to be

I realize that forgiving both the negative AND the positive allows me as life to unlock a new level of awareness and expression beyond the polarity game

I commit myself to breathe through any extreme emotion whether positive or negative

I commit myself to not participate in thinking that comes from the extreme positive

I commit myself to enjoy the old music I used to listen to and to redefine the lyrics and sounds into a supportive soundtrack of the journey to life

I commit myself to use music as a living expression that can support me to be my best self where I'm not dependent on it, but I can appreciate it and enjoy it

I commit myself to live the word euphoria as the presence of being here enjoying the moment to the fullest